Goodness

The fantasically awful thing about this world we live in is that we love and give to those that would never do the same for us. There is a serenity in knowing that you give your everything to someone else, freely and completely, but equally awesome is the pain attached to knowing it'll never be returned. People are not fools. They know they have your goodness. They covet it. It is a desirous thing to be loved and adored. Who would volunteer to just give it back? Not one of us, would do that. I had a conversation with someone who had just realized that he won't receive any goodness or anything else of equal or greater value, stunned is the most fitting description. Because I love with such ferocity, I have encountered this feeling all too often. There is no prep for it, you may think so, but you'll be blindsided each time it happens to you. I want for the goodness of others to be returned to them, exponentially! I want those of you who are takers to return to being givers. You were at some point and then a taker took that from you. I wish that the heart wrenching pain associated with loving someone who'll never offer the same, could become a distant memory in the presence of goodness. We cannot always recollect our pearls shrewn before swine, but I pray that perhaps we become sensitive to the stench of pigs before we enter their pens.

Who Am I?

The problem with this question is that it has to have an answer but try as I might, I haven't come to a "definition".  I have been told that I'm negative but I generally see myself as a "realist".  Defining myself for me means deciding whether or not I agree with others' perception of me.  I am patient, kind, self-less and selfish to an extreme.  I am witty and argumentative.  I am superficially concerned about somethings that should impact me greatly.  I am high strung and foreboding.  I am physically intimidating but often display false courage and boldness.  I am responsible yet overly involved in matters not of my concern.  I'm lonely even within the crowd.  I have been known to be moody and withdrawn yet exuberant and outgoing in a sporadic pattern.  I consider myself a passionate person often taking on the causes of others but in the same manner a helpless victim to my own perils.  I give and feel unworthy of any returns.  I have been told that I'm strong but I feel that this is a misleading statement as I seem to mostly endure trials rather than fight through them. I'm loyal to a fault and my conscience convicts me for even the most trivial things.  Even with my digits climbing higher and my ways becoming more firmly set, the answer to Who am I is always gonna change.

Greener Ass...Grass

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, I remember walking through the grocery store with my mother and spied "ice cream".  Now to me, it looked like fruity looking ice cream and it was in a neat little cup too. So I begged for it.  I remember too that my mother warned me about having to eat it whether I liked it or not.  Rain on a Rain-X windshield, I was too far beyond comprehending that tidbit, I'd gotten what I wanted.  When we made it to my grandmother's house we asked for our "ice cream".  Now I'm almost positive that  I'd referred to this new treat as "ice cream" in the store.  It wasn't until it was purchased and nearly within my grasp that I actually heard my mother say, "That is not ice cream."  That's when I noticed the sudden interest that my family members had taken in our "ice cream".  We were given spoons but as the containers were opened, I caught the first whiff of something very un-ice cream like.  Despite these many warnings, I dug in.  It took nearly a decade before I ever ate yogurt again.

Now I told that story to say that sometimes we see things just the way we want to despite information to the contrary.  I saw greener grass in that new fruity ice cream so I abandoned what I knew for something new.  This has been an often revisited personality quirk. I've done it with jobs, majors, vehicles, apartments, hair styles, etc.  The time that it is the most annoying quality is when it comes to men.  I'm fond of saying that I always get what I want and then I get what I deserve, that's because this statement is one of the truest things I've ever known.  Well I got the guy...sort of.  I mean that Ass, err, grass was so green!  It was perfect in everyway and no one else was grazing on that patch.  I should have stayed on my side of the pasture.  When I say I pulled tricks, rabbits, and wool just to get to that patch.  I did it all.  And can you believe that I got to the grass!  I wanted the chew it all up but instead I savored it.  I lusted over that ass...grass.  I looked at it's lovliness.  I dreamt of the way it would feel to pluck it gently away from it's root and slowly dine on what had to be the best gr...ass I'd ever seen!  I thought everyone would be jealous of me and my grass but instead they told me that it wasn't as good as it looked.  They told me that it was bad for me; that there would be nothing but trouble from that grass.  I heard them and looked at where I had come from and guess what?  The grass where I was just didn't look the same.  Because I trusted a few of the nay sayers I didn't eat the grass but I also didn't stop coveting it either.  Just because I couldn't have that grass, it made me see things that weren't true of the grass.  Not only was it just regular grass but it was sub-par to add.  I was blinded though, so I didn't take heed.  Well all the time I was courting this grass doing this coy, cat and mouse type dance I never bothered to sniff out more information. 

I don't remember the day it happened but one day I pondered over what the others had warned me of, bad grass.  Could it be that this grass that I just had to have was going to be an avoidable mistake?  I looked around and noticed that that patch of grass was indeed "greener" than the surrounding grass.  It seemed to confirm what I though all along.  I rejoiced in my decision to have this grass.  In my celebration, I stuck my nose deep in the grass hoping to become intoxicated on the sweet aroma of it...and what did I find?  The offensive stintch of SHIT! 

Moral of the story: The grass may be greener but also full of shit.